Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Pretty much! 😂👀
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Very problematic
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]