Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie