[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
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Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]