[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me checking my bank balance online.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
the icebreaker