@alexlumaga

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

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@DaddyJew

TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@UniqueDude2

ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
M: huh
BF: see ya

@rebrafsim

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

@imteddybless

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@WarrenHolstein

Don’t cut yourselves ’cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves ’cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)