*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
nyc:
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
road rage