HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
What I said: let’s cuddle
What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.