Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.