Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense