If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You Might Also Like
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.