I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.