*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.


Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.


“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”


Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me


“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul


[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did


If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.