@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

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@curlymalloy

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

@AndrewNadeau0

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

@Rollmaninoz

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

@shutupmikeginn

Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp

@CornOnTheGoblin

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

*pinching bridge of my nose*

Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@crylenol

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.