Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it