Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
and now we wait
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus