@realHamOnWry

*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*

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@RunOldMan

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

@SarcasticAlly12

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

@karanbirtinna

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

@704919828

Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@thesulk

Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

@joebirbigs

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.