*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*

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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.


My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”


Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.


Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.


I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk


Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.


Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”


I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.