[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
yes… yes…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.