@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

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@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@NintenDom

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

@cbdoubleu

*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

@mrjohndarby

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?

@jus4golf

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

@_NinJar

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

@TheCiscoKidder

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

@underchilde

As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.