Me: That’ll teach me
Also me: No it won’t
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
You Might Also Like
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me- are you still mad at me?
*one minute later*
Me- What about now?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.