@ShesARealGenius

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

- @ShesARealGenius

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@iamspacegirl

CAMPING

Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.

Him: Babe don’t be silly.

[later]

Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@JasonLastname

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

@MarfSalvador

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

@realHamOnWry

I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@humanwarnings

The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.