@iamTannenbaum

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

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@WilliamAder

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

@hazelmotes1

My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.

@JeffLoveness

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

@AtticusFinch79

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

@deegeemindi

If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.

@hazelmotes1

Me: This painting really speaks to me.

Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.

@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah