“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
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My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.
Me: This painting really speaks to me.
Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah