SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Brilliant!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine