If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.