@iamTannenbaum

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

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@mom_ontherocks

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@FeelNutts

I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more

@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

@BruceForce

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@heytherecore

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.