Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Husband of the year 😂
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…