Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.