@sad_tree

Snake: eat that apple
Adam:nah
S:u scared
A:no
S:lol u scared
A:
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

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@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@chuuew

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”Muath_tu”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2620740096/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325592944465809411″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”43″;s:5:”tweet”;s:75:”Smart and sophisticated till you like someone and suddenly you’re a donkey.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@Home_Halfway

I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@michaelianblack

Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.