Snake: eat that apple
S:u scared
S:lol u scared
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.


As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.


It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”Muath_tu”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2620740096/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325592944465809411″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”43″;s:5:”tweet”;s:75:”Smart and sophisticated till you like someone and suddenly you’re a donkey.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}


I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people


You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.


Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.


Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.