Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?