[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Yes my dude
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Jurassic park gets weird
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys