SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back