@JB4Realz

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

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@CheetoBandito77

Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.

@UnFitz

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

@BadMikeyBad

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

@TheBoydP

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

@MJMcKean

I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.

@DaddyJew

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

@monicaheisey

i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan