@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

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@CruisinSoozan

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

@lauralexx

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@santiagomayer_

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

@BuckyIsotope

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

@mrjohndarby

ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here

ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?

ANGEL:

ME: Holy sheet

@mack44_d

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.