Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.


WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?


WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes


I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.


LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.


Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”


I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.


Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.


Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”