Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*