Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.

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Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.


there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job


Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.


Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang


According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.


Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?


The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.


I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago


STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread