Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking
ME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread