Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
inventing words: clothing
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam