Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.

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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force


My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.


*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask


i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.


If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.


When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it


Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did


I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.