Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
That’s enough internet for the day
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.