Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*