snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them



dumbledore: i mean i hope not

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What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?


Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.


[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]



If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.


Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life


Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.


How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?