Holy moly
You Might Also Like
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
O Wise One….
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.