Snapes on a plane.
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Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.