*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
This is my emotional support knife.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
real
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner