@AndyAsAdjective

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

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@AnkCoupleTO

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

@writeden

Them: What’s wrong with you? Were you raised by wolves?

Me: [eating a wildebeest] Lions actually

@fightgeek

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

@AnkCoupleTO

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

@Mom_Overboard

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.