[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
You Might Also Like
Them: What’s wrong with you? Were you raised by wolves?
Me: [eating a wildebeest] Lions actually
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.