@LuvPug

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

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@DamienFahey

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@TheOnion

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

@sir_shithead_I

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here

@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now