Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Meat Cute
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
me linking you to my twitter
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked