Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..