*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.