Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup


”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”


My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.


Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that


Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.


Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.


BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop


*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot


waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too


When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.