they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
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”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.