Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.