@jdforshort

Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

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@snmrrw

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

@wilco30

”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@Dawn_M_

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@TragicAllyHere

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

@mrjohndarby

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.