I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Are these grass-fed oranges?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.