[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You Might Also Like
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.