[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her