Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.


The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?


[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better


10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.


So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.


Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?


Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”