@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

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@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@iwearaonesie

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

@michel_lesann

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

@Contwixt

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

@LinajkReturns

Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?

@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”