@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

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@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

@AaronFullerton

Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!

@the_anastasia

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

@AComicTragedy

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

@missekay

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.

@augustusglooopp

Everyone type it with me:

A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.

Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.

@AdviceFromDino

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

@iRowlf

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.