Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

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I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.


him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho


Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!


“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.


Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.


People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.


Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.


Everyone type it with me:

A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.

Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.


Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills


Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.