*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots