@sixfootcandy

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

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@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@Whatevah_Amy

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

@smilely_gal

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

@rockymomax

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@PULPKetchup

First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.