*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Yes my dude
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.