*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.


Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.


I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡


*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out


With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.


I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.


Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good


My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”


First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.