*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

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The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.


*does coke*
*has unprotected sex*
*smokes cigarettes*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”


wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink


My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport


[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?


Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*


Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.


Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.


hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺