The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is gonna be one hell of a week.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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*has unprotected sex*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
10: 19 or 18?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺