@realalitavnab

*sneezes*
“MY DUST COLLECTION!”

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@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@TweetPotato314

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

@50FirstTates

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@SarahKannenberg

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

@TankCesar

Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

@DoneEffedUp

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon