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Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade


wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on


me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that


Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.


accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted


Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*


One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”



Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.


ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon