[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
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broke down and did it
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory