The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.