Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
You Might Also Like
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There’s only one good girl here!
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.