Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: [travelling in space]
[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine