Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

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Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.


Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”


Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish


If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there


Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it


[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens


Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.



9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine