@SvnSxty

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

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@spunkyturnip

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

@Elizasoul80

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@mack44_d

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

@Social_Mime

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

@caithuls

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

@broken_rhi

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@wolfpupy

if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.