sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.