<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?