*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..


For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.


kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*


Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much?
Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.


I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.


I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.


Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.


Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.