@murrman5

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

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@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@JosesLovesYou

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

@continentlbkfst

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

@SuperApple80

Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much?
Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.

@henchbeaver

I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.

@Shower4Thought

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

@NickSwardson

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.