@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

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@E_lok44

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@Junk_Boat

Wow she actually noticed me!

Time to pick a different tree.

@QueenofSparta

Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that

@abbycohenwl

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

@HomeWithPeanut

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

@TheAlexNevil

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

@sploosk

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid