*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.