*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

You Might Also Like


I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers


Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.


I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules


Wow she actually noticed me!

Time to pick a different tree.


Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that


Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes


New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.


I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.


ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid