“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Anime is real
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
No, I don’t think I will.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards